Let's Take a Closer Look at My Package

The other day I bought half a dozen tube socks. Why? I needed to make a preemptive strike against the possibility of waking up Christmas morning to a bounty of sugar plums and Hanes His Way mid-calf, cotton-poly crew tubes. And I needed socks.
Because I wear my socks until they grow their own corns and calluses and because my mom is still my chief supplier of socks and underwear, I probably haven’t purchased my own socks in a little over a decade. So, imagine my surprise when my footwear of choice came conveniently packaged in a resealable “Zip-Pak” package.
Standing among the racks at Sears, my initial reaction was, “Wow, that’s great. I’ll be able to keep these socks fresher, longer.” But then I had the following epiphany: While my feet may sometimes smell like cheese, there is absolutely no reason for my socks to be Ziplocked like a package of shredded cheddar.
Once I open a plastic package of socks, they get rolled up in pairs and go straight into the drawer. They never return to the bag, and even if they did, they wouldn’t need to be sealed up again for freshness. I’ve had socks get stretched and I’ve had socks get holes, but I’ve never had socks go stale.
The whole ordeal at Sears upset me so much that I immediately went home to shave. I pulled out my package of 10 Gillette Twin-Blade Custom Plus Pivot disposable razors and discovered they too were packaged in a plastic pouch with a Zip-Pak resealable zipper. What the…?
Was it the Extra Lubricating Power Strip that needed preserving? Or maybe in the age of five-blade razors, the Gillette people think men who still buy the two-blade razors don’t have homes or drawers where they can comfortably store 10 razors.
Like most things in our capitalistic culture, I suppose money and corporate boredom is the real reason behind putting Zip-Pak packaging where it doesn’t belong. Some stuffy executive liked what the brash young salesman from Zip-Pak was selling and they decided they could all make a bunch of money if they put a yellow-and-blue-makes-green zipper on a bag of pantyhose.
The company ITW (Illinois Tool Works) owns Zip-Pak, and I’m sure they keep a lot of people employed at their four production facilities in Manteno and Ottawa, Ill., Atlanta, Ga., and Orangeburg, N.Y., by sealing things that don’t need to be sealed. I wish them all the best and a very merry Christmas, but why don’t they apply their technology to products it could actually improve? I think a Zip-Pak disposable diaper would be good. Maybe those produce bags at the grocery store? Or Rush Limbaugh’s mouth?
Here’s wishing you all good and fresh tidings this Christmas. Don’t buy diamonds and don’t forget the real reason for the season – a little baby in a manger who never needed a Zip-Pak bag for his fish and bread.