Was the Revolution Televised Last Night?

I don’t watch television.
That’s my new catchphrase. I say it with an air of snootiness to anyone who references something they saw on TV. It’s especially annoying to my coworkers because they can see the joy in my eyes when I send conversations about last night’s episode of NBC’s breakout summer hit The Singing Bee to a screeching halt.
When I employ my new catchphrase, it’s actually aimed at all of those people who think they’re too good for TV. I’ve always understood why some people avoid it, but there’s nothing more pompous than someone who acts like they’re morally and intellectually superior because they don’t watch television. Get off your high horse and watch some reruns of 90210. It will do you some good. You’re really not that smart if you are totally oblivious to the zeitgeist of the early ’90s. (See, TV Watchers, when you don’t watch TV you learn words like zeitgeist, which comes from German and means “the spirit of the age.”)
My decision to stop watching television was prompted by my wife’s decision to stop paying for television. She’ll be a full-time student this fall, and with a baby in daycare, she said I could either cut out Charter or eat six meals a week.
My breakup call to Charter was difficult. Julian the customer service guy asked me why I was disconnecting from society. I told him that since The Sopranos ended, I was looking to free myself from the chains of his idiot box. He didn’t buy it.
“I’m converting to Amish?” He still didn’t accept.
“My wife said so.”
“OK, Mr. Voody Ventener. It was a pleasure doing business with you.” Click.
It was at that moment that I remembered a younger, more cavalier and newly digital Greg tossing his rabbit ears into a dumpster. Why would I, a man of the modern world, ever need analog television again?
John Lennon once sang, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” He was a great man who didn’t spend a lot of time watching TV (Yoko always had the remote). If he had, he would have realized that life is really what happens to you when you’re not watching television.
Watching my 9-month-old maneuver around the living room is a lot more life-affirming and entertaining than a “ripped from the headlines” edition of Law and Order. It’s cute to watch her chew on the impotent remote controls, accidentally turning on the television to channel 91, where a black screen is broadcasted 24/7. Her little fingers escalate the volume up to “Max” and the silence is deafening.
My wife says the great thing about not having television is that we finally have to talk to each other. I told her about a Web site that connects you to satellite television from stations around the world. We spent the rest of the night “talking” about whether we should watch Japanese game shows or Al Jazeera’s line-up of Must-See sitcoms.
By the way, did you know that humans can eat an entire octopus in less than five minutes if sufficiently prodded by a man dressed as a tuna carrying a giant bag of Yen?
See the types of things you can learn when you don’t watch television?