I'm only about 80 pages in, but Kevin Nealon's "Yes, You're Pregnant, But What About Me?" is the funniest book I've read in a long time. I haven't laughed out loud this much while reading a book since David Sedaris's "Me Talk Pretty One Day." Based on the title, you'd think it was just for expectant parents, but it's not. Here are a couple gems: "I hate confrontation; in fact I'm not even good at being direct. It's a family trait. Growing up, if we wanted the salt during dinner, we wouldn't directly ask for it. We would merely say, 'Is that the salt over there?'" "Too bad our cars can't run on petroleum jelly. I guess it would be tough to get in the tank, though. You'd have to work it in and around with your two fingers." Also, if you've never seen Nealon in the Showtime show "Weeds," you should rent it now.
Maxwell has the No. 1 album in the country right now and if he asked me to move to Iowa with him and make it official, I'd have to seriously consider it.
The Facebook status update can be a wonderful thing. It's a great way to alert your "friends" of your current state of being, conveniently facilitating at least a surface connection with relationships you may otherwise let fall by the wayside. I'm bad at staying in touch with even my best-est friends, so I'm thankful that Facebook allows me to see what old acquaintances and friends are up to without requiring any more effort from me than a username and password. It's nice. I really do enjoy seeing pictures of you and your family on vacation, learning what you're up to at work, seeing which "Highway to Heaven" character you are (You are so Mark Gordon!) and what you scored on the Harry Potter quiz. It's a good time and I have a lot of time on my hands. The status update can also be used to showcase how amazingly clever and cool you are. You're my friend because for some reason I do think you are clever and cool and I don't mind that. I'm as guilty as anybody when it comes to shameless self promotion, but a line must be drawn.
That line, I think, although it may make me out to be a jerk, is repeated sappy updates on how much you love your snuggly-wuggly-woopy-boopy-bear.
I love my wife, too, so I try to tell her in person, not in front of people I went to junior high with. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your love, but that pride should be displayed moderately or else it comes off as boasting, and freaking annoying.
I know I'm not the only one in this camp and I enjoy commiserating with other jerks at this wonderful blog, STFU, Marrieds, a site my incredibly smart beautiful sexy light-of-my-life wife turned me on to, which publishes anonymously submitted screenshots of offending Facebook "walls." Then, there are the parents. I'm a proud parent, too, so I know how hard it is to not tell the world how fantastically cute your child is. I've done it and I'll unabashedly do it some more, but again, moderation is the key. I know you love your kids, but come on. Every day? Over and over with the poop descriptions and hug recaps? STFU, Parents compiles the really annoying ones.
Now to something cute from my house.
See if you can guess who said what during this lunchtime conversation with my unbelievably precious daughter:
A: I smell that. B: What do you smell? A: That Chinese food. B: Do you like it? A: No. B: Why? A: It makes me upset.
In the meantime, have a good weekend. Can't wait to read about it and see pictures on Facebook. No, really.
Let's continue our quest to be just like the network morning news shows with another imaginary Friday summer concert. This week, the third best British Invasion band (which is not a bad ranking considering the quality of the other two bands), The Zombies. They wrote a bunch of great songs and covered plenty of American R&B, but never quite got the attention they deserved in America because the Beatles and the Rolling Stones were just that good. The Zombies' 1968 psychedelic masterpiece "Odessey and Oracle" ("Odyssey" was apparently misspelled by the album cover designers) is one of my all-time favorites and includes their only No. 1 song, "Time of the Season." The group broke up before the album was released. Thirty-five years later, Rolling Stone placed it at No. 80 on their list of the 500 greatest albums. You must hear "Beechwood Park" and "Care of Cell 44," the best song ever written about an imprisoned girlfriend. As great as "Odessey and Oracle" is, their early singles "Tell Her No" and "She's Not There" as well as stuff like "The Way I Feel Inside" shouldn't be ignored.
Today is Bastille Day in France. Well, everywhere actually, but like you might expect, they're really doing it up big in France. I try my best to celebrate France every day, but Bastille Day gives me a good excuse to do it publicly in front of all 12 of you reading this. Here's a not-so-comprehensive list of my favorite leschoses Français. (Thanks online translator!)
Film Moderne It's pretty impossible to pick a favorite French movie, new or old, but the modern one that sticks with me is director Mathieu Kassovitz's "La Haine" (Hatred). It's about three struggling friends from the Parisian projects angered by the recent beating of one of their friends by the police. In the aftermath of a riot, one of the friends finds a police officer's gun and vows to kill a cop if their friend dies from his injuries. Hilarity ensues. Actually, despite its intense subject matter, there are light moments, especially when the characters reveal their obsession with American culture. There's a character nicknamed "Wal-Mart."
Vieux films Almost anything from French New Wave auteurs Francois Truffaut and Jean-Luc Godard is worth a watch, but will require some patience and an open mind. Again, it's hard to pick a favorite, Godard's "Breathless" is probably the best, but the really crazy revolutionary one is "Weekend" from 1967. It still drives me nuts, especially the hippie cannibals.
Musique Edith Piaf and Serge Gainsbourg are really French and I really like them, but there's got to be some 21st century French musicians out there. Soy un Caballo is Spanish for "I'm a horse," but I thought this group wasFrench. Turns out they're Belgian...like me. They do sing in French and I don't understand a word of it.
Actrice In America, we like a good French actress every now and then. We liked Catherine Deneuve and Juliette Binoche for a while, then it was Julie Delpy, and Audrey Tautou was the thing for a couple of years. Now, we like Marion Cotillard, and I do, too.
Maybe the greatest moment from Michael Jackson's memorial show Tuesday was Stevie Wonder's performance of "They Won't Go When I Go." It's such a great song and was a fitting sendoff for Michael by another former Motown prodigy with other-worldly talent. While Michael owned the '80s with a mixture of groundbreaking pop music, dance and video, Stevie dominated the '70s with nothing but music, creating four masterpiece albums back-to-back -- Talking Book (1972), Innervisions (1973), Fulfillingness' First Finale (1974) and Songs in the Key of Life (1976) -- of which the last three won Grammys for Album of the Year. I'll forever be proud to say the first concert I saw was Stevie Wonder in Iowa City on the In Square Circle Tour in 1985 or '86. I went with my mom and her best friend. It was unbelievable. Here are some other great Stevie performances. You should watch them with your mama.
Actrice
