Stay at home, Dad

I’ve long admired and envied women who can stay home with their kids. It’s such an important job and if you’re willing and able to make the financial and professional sacrifices necessary to do it, it’s got to be the greatest thing in the world for you and your children.
What I’ve never respected are the women who go overboard in trying to convince the rest of the working world how difficult it is. As I slogged through days in Corporate America wondering if what I was doing 40-55 hours a week was worth anything more than the paycheck it provided to feed and shelter my family, I dreamed of trading places with these moms.
Now, thanks to a corporate buyout and the ensuing layoff, I have that chance.
I read once that if stay at home moms were paid for their services, they’d earn something like $150,000 a year. Granted, I’m not knitting the whole family matching sweaters for our Christmas card beach portrait or fashioning homemade Halloween costumes out of recycled plastics and terrycloth, but $150,000 is ridiculous.
I was at Marshalls recently and saw these two stay-at-home moms making some returns with their two kids. One of them was trying to return a rug she had obviously used, possibly during the rainy season in the Mississippi Delta.
“We tried it, but just didn’t like it,” she told the Marshalls guy. He said he needed a receipt. She dug through a novella-sized packet of fresh store receipts before landing on the right one. Marshalls took the rug back, then Mom said to the already bored 5-year-olds, “Hey, Savannah-Dylan and Connor, you want to go look at those lamps?”
I wonder how much that errand was worth on the mom salary calculator?
The first and only con of staying at home is that you don’t get paid. For most people it’s a huge sacrifice, but if you’re rich or don’t mind sleeping in your hatchback, it’s not a problem.
The first day home with my Sofia was a little bit unnerving, but having a schedule is the key to surviving a full day alone with a precious 20-month-old daughter whose vocabulary consists of “No,” “Mine” and “Back off, Father.”
The schedule is great because when you know what and when you’re supposed to do something, it takes the guesswork out of how to fill your day. For example, our Mondays start with a trip to the liquor store at about 10:30 am. It’s the best time to go because we can get our shopping done for the week and still get through the lunch buffet line at the gentlemen’s club before all the highchairs are taken and the lovely Montana Leatheridge hits the stage for her show-stopping tribute to Def Leppard. Who needs Kindermusik?
I’ve learned multi-tasking is another important skill for stay-at-home parenting. Young children like it when they push buttons that make loud noises. Why not let them mix the margaritas?
Getting the housework done is a challenge. Her little hands are just so small. That’s a plus when it comes time to dust the knick-knacks I’ve been buying up at Hobby Lobby, but it takes her forever to wash the car.Sofia does like to play the “Swiffer Game,” which is cool, because by the time I’m up from my nap, portions of the floors are squeaky clean.
I’m ashamed to admit that up until a few weeks ago, you could probably count on two manly, but soft and moisturized hands the number of times I’ve made dinner for my wife during our nearly 10 years together. That’s embarrassing. The only excuse is that she’s a far superior cook, she enjoys it and I’m lazy.
This has changed since I’ve been home. The other night, I made a real dinner that required ingredients, not just poking three to four holes in plastic and microwaving. And one of those ingredients was fish sauce. Fish sauce!
Cooking definitely has presented the biggest challenges so far. Maybe more experienced parents could tell me what you do when you’re in the middle of browning the sausage and the child sloshes into the kitchen fully loaded with contraband cargo. I chose the sausage.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I haven’t been doing this for very long yet, and I hope I don’t have to. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to continue to stay at home, we just need the money to maintain our jet-setting lifestyle and pay for our diamond-crusted toilet paper.
Still, no matter what job I end up finding, it never, ever will be as gratifying as the one I’m doing now. They can keep their $150,000.