Campaign Announcement

My fellow free-thinking, freedom-loving Americans, our democracy has turned into an idiocracy. Because of what seems to be our ardent cultural anti-intellectualism, our republic has degenerated into a nation eerily similar to the vision “King of the Hill” and “Office Space” creator Mike Judge layed out in his brilliant 2006 film “Idiocracy.”
In that movie, set 500 years in the future, America has become a nation of stupids, governed by President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, a tough-talking professional wrestler type. Unfortunately, if recent events are a sign of the path we’re on as a nation, we may not have 500 years. Have you seen that we now need the mountains to turn blue on the label to tell us when our beer is cold?
Dirty Language Alert


I guess what we’ve learned from the latest reality show disguised as our presidential election process, and specifically John McCain’s selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate and the ensuing hysteria, is that we have devolved into a society that believes it’s better to have one of us leading the country rather than the best of us.
My advisors and I have studied this stupefying phenomenon, and after prayerful consideration, today I would like to announce my intention to run for President of the United States of America in the year of our Barbara Walters, 2020.
We studied how both political parties went to great lengths during their respective conventions to prove just how regular their candidates are.
At the Democratic convention, there was very little promotion of Barack Obama’s success at some of the best universities in the country. I know I’m in the minority, but I want a smart guy in office.
We heard about how Sen. Joe Biden rides the train to Washington, D.C., every day. That’s wonderful. Does he have a plan for all of us to ride trains to work so we can save the environment and forget about foreign oil?
Watching the Republican convention, it seemed Sarah Palin’s only qualification is her ordinariness. Fred Thompson gurgled that Palin was the only candidate who knows how to “field dress” a moose. That’s fantastic, because I want somebody who can fit those antlers through a cashmere sweater.
We also met Palin’s son Track. Could a President named Mountain Dew really be that far off?
We seldom heard anything about how McCain was a POW for more than five years in Vietnam. Actually, we heard a lot about that.
It’s a great and heroic story, and not very relevant to the problems we face today. Just like the number of houses the very rich McCains own, unless they have the answers to our current economic troubles buried somewhere under all that real estate.
The campaigns push the average Joe-ness qualities of their candidates on us because they know the tactic works. You voted George W. Bush into the most powerful position in the world because he seemed like the guy you’d most want to drink a beer with. Not like those smart, but boring, eggheads Al Gore and John Kerry.
I will run for President on my resume of regularness, which I have lazily worked to maintain for the first 32 years of my life, and which I pledge not to improve upon for the next 12 years.
I promise, my fellow Americans, I will drink some beers with you. I can also watch some football.
It may be a little early to announce this aspect of my campaign – my surrogates and supporters say I should wait until the opportune moment in the media cycle, or at least until 2016 – but I’m selecting Clinton Mayor Randy Randall as my vice presidential running mate.
What kind of experience does our fair mayor have to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?
First of all, you already know he’s a guru on the economy, or do I need to remind you of his bald turn as Daddy Warbucks in the Laurens County Community Theatre’s production of “Annie” a couple years back?
But in 2020, as we and our three-member Coalition of the Coal Burners wage wars with every nation that refused to buy the icy oil we drill-baby-drilled through the hearts of baby seals to discover in Alaska, you’re going to ask about Mayor Randall’s foreign policy experience. Might I just offer that as PA announcer at Presbyterian College Blue Hose football games, he knows in detail the plight of the Scottish.
And on national security, there’s no one better. He’s been to Newberry.