Family Christmas Letter

Dear Family, Friends, Associates, Envious Acquaintances, Supporters Trying to Join Our Inner Circle of Advisors, and Staff Attorneys:

You know it’s not really the holiday season until you receive the Can You Dig It? Family Christmas letter – a time to rejoice in our family’s goodness and, perhaps, inspire in your family a New Year’s resolution to be a little more like us.
It’s been another banner year in the Can You Dig It? household and we plan to wrap it up by cooking and serving a big feast for those less fortunate than us, our relatives. We’ve been blessed with piles upon piles of financial blessings, and a 55-inch Sony Bravia XBR 1080p flat panel LCD HDTV that retails for $6,998.98, so hosting the Christmas dinner seems like the only Christian thing to do.
We don’t know why the liberal media keeps bloviating about the “bad” economy when things have been so perfect and profitable for us! Thanks, corporate bailout (wink, wink “rescue”)!!!
Of course, Mama Dig It is as successful and beautiful as ever, balancing personal satisfaction and family like no mother before her. How she manages to get up every morning with her hangovers is a testament to the power of her strength, grace and Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix.
We also want to thank everyone for their prayers following Mama Dig It’s mishap with the Botox and the Little Scruffy’s kennel cough vaccination. Mama’s finally starting to get her appetite back and the doctor says Little Scruffy should be able to wag his tail again after the first of the year.
For all of you disappointed fans of Little Scruffy’s previous Christmas letters, we thought it best that he not write this year’s letter while he recuperates.
Baby Dig It is just 2 years old, but I’m sure you know she’s already way smarter than your children and will make way more money (although, don’t worry, a huge trust fund is waiting for her) when she gets her own musical sitcom on Disney. Like we always say, it’s our superior genes!
After consulting with our counsel, The Can You Dig It?s are also happy to provide an official statement on the status of the “situation” that led to so many of our appearances on “Nancy Grace” this year.
We’re pleased to have made it through another year without a formal indictment, although all of those trips to the state’s attorney’s office for “questioning” put a lot miles on our beautiful new Hummer, which, by the way, turned out to be another blessing when Papa Dig It and his personal trainer/life coach John Daly crashed into the side of that Hooters. Thank goodness no one we know very well was hurt!!

We’re sure all pending legal action will be settled in a timely and just way. We sure are paying for it!
It’s been a rough year for Papa Dig It. His investment in an Illinois Senate seat for himself appears to be going nowhere, he spends most of his mornings wearing a leotard and watching that Beyoncé video and his nights wearing sweatbands and memorizing Trivial Pursuit cards, or “training” as he calls it.
We have faith that he’s going to pull himself out of this rut, most likely with the help of some sort of prescription drug cocktail.
And finally, we want all of you who prayed we’d find Jesus to know that your prayers have been answered. He was wrapped in old Chronicles at the bottom of a Sterilite container, so our garage nativity will once again be the envy of the neighborhood. C’mon by and see him!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Can You Dig It?