Bruce's Barber Shop, Princeton, Iowa Sports Clips
For someone who cares so much about his hair, I am a cheapskate when it comes to haircuts.
From the $7 hatchet jobs at Great Clips to $45 fancy boy cuts in New York City, I'm rarely satisfied with the finished product, so I've decided I might as well pay as little as possible for my dissatisfaction.
No one seems to be able to match the work of my childhood stylist Bruce the Barber at Bruce's Barbershop in Princeton, Iowa. Bruce had Playboys on the high shelf for the adults and National Geographics on the low shelf for the kids, so either way you were gonna get a glimpse of some breasts while Bruce, slick in a long-sleeved polyester shirt, extolled the virtues of Beeswax and B12 injections, and whistled through his teeth.
Bruce could do anything you asked with his scissors and clippers. I requested mullets and flat tops, and unfortunately, I got them. When I wanted to copy my favorite rappers with lines or my initials shaved into my scalp, Bruce was up for the challenge.
In college, I went to Borick's, a chain of discount salons similar to Great Clips. There was a transvestite working there who I would sometimes see in an action/adventure show on the local cable access channel wearing a Wonder Woman costume and sitting on people's faces.
He was a better actress than stylist, but I was repeat customer because it felt good to be in the presence of a celebrity and you never knew who was going to call in the middle of your haircut and bear the brunt of his saucy wrath.
Now, almost 20 years removed from my last Bruce the Barber haircut, I'm loyal to no stylist. Whoever has the cheapest deal, the shortest wait or a glossy direct mail advertisement is who I trust with trimming my precious locks.
That's how I found my favorite business of 2008, Sports Clips.
The idea behind Sports Clips is that men want to get a cheap haircut surrounded by sports memorabilia and about 20 TVs all tuned to either ESPN or ESPN News.
The mailer I received got me in the door by offering a super discount on Sports Clips' "MVP" treatment, which included a "Precision Haircut," shampoo, scalp massage, steamed towel and neck and shoulder massage.
I went on a Monday morning and there was no wait. As usual, I had a hard time voicing exactly what it was "we were going to do today." I always want to say "Give me the Bob Dylan circa 1964," or "Remember Keanu Reeves' hair in 'Speed'?" Instead, I just gave a variation of the standard order: shorten the sides, keep the length on the top, but trim it and thin out the curls... No, I don't know what number guard you use on the clippers.
I did feel like a king at Sports Clips, or maybe even an MVP, for the 20 minutes it took to run through the program of services. I've never paid a strange woman to rub any part of my body, but the scalp massage was orgasmic. The minty shampoo was great, but I declined their offer to sell me some for home use. I'd never leave the shower.
When it was all over, there I was again, sitting in my car looking at the rearview mirror cursing what just happened to my hair.
On my second trip, I opted for the "Triple Play," which includes everything but the neck and shoulder massage. That was OK, though, because I felt a little embarrassed the first time when the stylist pulled out this vibrating massager and started rubbing it all over me while I tried to seem interested in the latest NASCAR points rundown.
I'll go back again. Not when I really need a haircut, but maybe when there's a good game on because, as I've said before, I don't have cable.
For someone who cares so much about his hair, I am a cheapskate when it comes to haircuts.
From the $7 hatchet jobs at Great Clips to $45 fancy boy cuts in New York City, I'm rarely satisfied with the finished product, so I've decided I might as well pay as little as possible for my dissatisfaction.
No one seems to be able to match the work of my childhood stylist Bruce the Barber at Bruce's Barbershop in Princeton, Iowa. Bruce had Playboys on the high shelf for the adults and National Geographics on the low shelf for the kids, so either way you were gonna get a glimpse of some breasts while Bruce, slick in a long-sleeved polyester shirt, extolled the virtues of Beeswax and B12 injections, and whistled through his teeth.
Bruce could do anything you asked with his scissors and clippers. I requested mullets and flat tops, and unfortunately, I got them. When I wanted to copy my favorite rappers with lines or my initials shaved into my scalp, Bruce was up for the challenge.
In college, I went to Borick's, a chain of discount salons similar to Great Clips. There was a transvestite working there who I would sometimes see in an action/adventure show on the local cable access channel wearing a Wonder Woman costume and sitting on people's faces.
He was a better actress than stylist, but I was repeat customer because it felt good to be in the presence of a celebrity and you never knew who was going to call in the middle of your haircut and bear the brunt of his saucy wrath.
Now, almost 20 years removed from my last Bruce the Barber haircut, I'm loyal to no stylist. Whoever has the cheapest deal, the shortest wait or a glossy direct mail advertisement is who I trust with trimming my precious locks.
That's how I found my favorite business of 2008, Sports Clips.
The idea behind Sports Clips is that men want to get a cheap haircut surrounded by sports memorabilia and about 20 TVs all tuned to either ESPN or ESPN News.
The mailer I received got me in the door by offering a super discount on Sports Clips' "MVP" treatment, which included a "Precision Haircut," shampoo, scalp massage, steamed towel and neck and shoulder massage.
I went on a Monday morning and there was no wait. As usual, I had a hard time voicing exactly what it was "we were going to do today." I always want to say "Give me the Bob Dylan circa 1964," or "Remember Keanu Reeves' hair in 'Speed'?" Instead, I just gave a variation of the standard order: shorten the sides, keep the length on the top, but trim it and thin out the curls... No, I don't know what number guard you use on the clippers.
I did feel like a king at Sports Clips, or maybe even an MVP, for the 20 minutes it took to run through the program of services. I've never paid a strange woman to rub any part of my body, but the scalp massage was orgasmic. The minty shampoo was great, but I declined their offer to sell me some for home use. I'd never leave the shower.
When it was all over, there I was again, sitting in my car looking at the rearview mirror cursing what just happened to my hair.
On my second trip, I opted for the "Triple Play," which includes everything but the neck and shoulder massage. That was OK, though, because I felt a little embarrassed the first time when the stylist pulled out this vibrating massager and started rubbing it all over me while I tried to seem interested in the latest NASCAR points rundown.
I'll go back again. Not when I really need a haircut, but maybe when there's a good game on because, as I've said before, I don't have cable.
2 comments:
Not going to be much of a game to watch there for 20 minutes.
I was lucky enough to find a terrific Great Clips where all the gals do a great job.
Ah, yes... curly hair; noone except your childhood barber have the logged years of experience with your scalp to make it appear as you wish. I, too, go the Great Clips route, and am hardly surprised anymore when $6-7 buys me instant rage.
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