My Supreme Court nomination

It’s been a long and difficult search, but my patience and perseverance has paid off as my job hunt has finally revealed the perfect next occupation for me: Supreme Court Justice.
First off, you won’t find a more secure job in the country. Once you’re on, you’re on for good. No matter how bad your performance is, nobody gets laid off or fired – apparently, just like at KFC.
The dress code is bathroom casual, with only a robe required, and the salary is right in my range. Last year, associate justices made $208,100. Chief Justice John Roberts made an extra $9,300. I’m sure I can flub up a swearing-in ceremony for that kind of change.
There are some definite drawbacks. One, you’ve got to make small talk about movies and stuff around the Coke machine with Clarence Thomas. If you’ve got a delicate disposition or the wrong taste in film, this can ruin your day. I’m sure I can handle it.
The hiring process is another story.
First, just to get in the running you’ve got to have lots of knowledge of the law and legal experience. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think being asked to blow into an officer’s face after getting caught throwing toilet paper on your high school’s trees late one night after graduation is an adequate resume builder for the Supreme Court.
For the select few whose education, job history, experience, politics and level of empathy meets the qualifications established by whichever sitting President is making the appointment, you’ve then got to subject yourself to a level of scrutiny second only to the process of selecting a U.S. President or American Idol.
I can’t imagine having the cable news networks poring over all of my past quotes and former associates. It will only be a matter of time before they uncover that unfortunate thing I said about a midget, a donkey and Kenny Rogers, or when that regrettable sound byte is looped over and over from that one early morning on WPCC’s “The Doghouse” where I claimed to be bigger than Ralph Dale Earnhardt Sr., the Dalai Lama and Ronald Reagan combined.
It would be a tough road to confirmation, so I’m happy to wait it out a bit.
I like President Obama’s nomination of Sonia Sotomayor as the first Latina to the Supreme Court. As the husband of a Latina myself, I have to say that or risk waking up with raw guinea pig meat and ginger root in my shoes. You know how loca they can get when you don’t agree with them? ¡Cuidado, Scalia!
I had heard a rumor that Jennifer Lopez was on the short-list to be the first Latina nominated, but there was some concern about there being enough room for all the justices if she were to sit on the bench. Get it?
Ah, man! That joke would have killed back in George W. Bush’s first term.